| Chapter 5 In Women's Own Words |
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Inequality for men in family court
To all women
VAWA is destroying my father
I am your child who loves you and needs you! Fight for me!
Judge Pfeiffer and unethical attorneys
Open letter to N.O.W.
One Canadian woman's story
Wanting the house
There can be no better introduction to this section than Phyllis Schlafly's book Feminist Fantasies. The damage wrought by these deranged and delusional ideologues is incalculable. Elsewhere the Equal Justice Foundation questions whether civilization can survive these mad witches inexorable and all-too successful push to destroy the patriarchy and return to a primitive matriarchy.
Here we present stories of what women themselves have experienced under radical feminist ideology and laws.
December 21, 2010 Equality for men in a divorce is nothing but a big farce. Women are devious. We know first hand how devious they can be. One member in our family is going through this and now sitting behind bars. His wife, who he loved dearly, moved out with the two children. But before that, and still is, all around town with her boyfriend, and he is at all the children's events, school, hockey etc.
They keep the children away from their father, especially the boy. Her brother was killed in an accident and they seem to be coveting this child to take his place. The boyfriend stays at her parents where she and the children are. She flaunts it in her husband's face and all he wanted to do was talk to her.
Sadly, he done a wrong thing, broke the glass in her parent's screen door. So he's now behind bars. He's never ever laid a hand on her. He was the stay at home dad while she worked. He had the children even though he had a business for 2-3 years. Then their daughter was not expected to live when born and spent 4 months in hospital. It was then decided he would stay home and care for the two children.
Now they are in school wife had breast implants against her husband's wishes, tummy tuck, and out partying every weekend. She also took her jewelry and all the contents of the safe. Her move was well planned.
None of the wife's actions will be told in the divorce court and I am sure the husband will lose everything.
I wonder how much longer it will be until the men get their equal rights? Never by the look of it.
Thank you for letting me pass this on.
Due to the recent increase in child abuse, abandoned baby cases, child murder, child torture, and child neglect of children perpetrated by women, I would like to put all of you on notice.
You (women) are the only gender capable of choosing abortion. We will call this factor one.
You (women) are now protected in all states to safely abandon your babies through the safe haven laws. We will call this the second factor of knowledge.
You are offered respite care in all states. You can safely call in someone to take over your parental duties, or drop off at a respite care the child you could otherwise abuse without question normally up to fifteen hours per month.
This is the third factor.
If you need mental health services call your county mental health office, which can be found in the front section of your phone book, anywhere in the United States.
You have the choice to involve the father of the children at any times, regardless of how entitled you feel.
You were all born, you have parents that would probably give you respite unless you are otherwise abusing their good nature.
If you are low income, you likely qualify for state subsidized day care, you can apply for this at your local assistance office.
You have been forewarned. You have options, use them, if not then from now on it is a no holds barred situation and if you are caught you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and there is no more of:
I didn't know,
I got frustrated,
I wanted more time,
They were in the way of a relationship,
I had to work so I left him/her in the car for the day,
I thought a trunk was a good place to leave my child while I was at the casino or getting my nails done.
These are real human beings you are torturing, abusing, killing, leaving on doorsteps and in trash cans.
February 18, 2007 My father married an undocumented alien from Mexico in 1999. When he first met her, she did not divulge she was here illegally and told my father she was in the U.S. on a work permit. Nonetheless, he married her after consulting with an immigration attorney who advised him he could file for a petition for her residency and this would allow her temporary status to stay in the U.S. while her petition was being reviewed.
After marrying her, he slowly began to regret his decision as she started to behave very differently from the person he thought she was. After a few years, she began to become very controlling and abusive towards him. She also incurred thousands of dollars of debt and would not listen to him when he explained the financial implications of her actions. It seemed she was trying to provoke him and start altercations with him all the time; he is a very kind, gentle man and would not respond. One night she trapped him in the bedroom and threatened to kill him. He screamed out the window for help so a neighbor called the police. The police came and arrested them both for domestic violence even though he was the one who called for help.
What we all realize now is she was very educated on the Violence Against Women Act and planned to use it as an outlet to get her residency and the possessions she and my father have acquired since their marriage. She is falsely claiming he abused her and is getting carte blanche assistance under our legal system to get her citizenship and full financial support. All she had to do after she was released from jail was go to a local domestic violence shelter that provided free legal advice. Moreover, although she is "out of status" right now, meaning she is here illegally, she managed to get an order of protection to get my father kicked out of his home. I am sure she received this advice from the pro bono attorney at the shelter. She has full use of the home, his cars, everything. Since he cannot go back to the home, she is selling everything. My father receives calls from the neighbors that she is having yard sales and selling his cars, his tools, and everything he owns. My sister called Immigration Custom Enforcement and they said there is nothing they can do because it is her domain and they cannot enter the property. The officer was also aware she is claiming abuse and told my sister that makes it even more difficult for them to deport her because she has many "rights" as a victim of abuse (even if it is a false claim of abuse...all she has to do is cry "abuse" and she is untouchable).
My father consulted with an attorney who said his only outlet is to get the dissolution of marriage so he can finally be free from her. Unfortunately, he will end up with nothing by the time they go to court. She will probably get the house and alimony since she is going before the Court as a victim of abuse. My father had to borrow money from me to pay for an attorney and she has one paid for by American taxpayers. It is disgusting! She will also get her citizenship through the "abuse" route also.
I believe the Violence Against Women Act should be titled the "Women Get What They Want Act." I do not wish this to happen to anyone, but only those who have had this happen to a son, brother, father, or any male they care about can understand what this is like. It is still not over. I pray I do not lose my father to a heart attack while he is going through this difficult time. The fact she is here "illegally" means nothing. I do not even know why we have such a term in this country. We must change these laws to somehow prevent women like my father's wife from destroying decent, hard-working, taxpaying citizens like my father, who is now a victim of our own legal system. I did write a letter to Immigration about her lies and false claims against my father and hope it will help. I am willing to write letters to anyone who can help.
I am a child of divorce. My parents divorce became finalized in 1969 when I was six years old. My mother was granted custody and my father never fought it.
I am here today because I wish to see change. Change in a system that helped to alter my relationship with my father for the duration of our lives. Our lives when he being 600 miles away at 54 years old seems all too short.
We started out fairly normal. I remember watching a football game with him, the smell of my mother's pot roast in the air. Being carried around on his shoulder, waiting for him to come home from work. A father-daughter relationship firmly rooted for growth.
As months went by the climate of our house became more tense. I felt impending doom. Finally erupting, and then, a deathly lull settled as a tiny 6-year old followed her father around the house as he packed his suitcases, taking the personal belongings my mother would let him have, which did not include me. So I begged him to stay, he held me for a long time, finally he pulled me away as he left our house.
And so began my father's weekend visits, who in his absence became a stranger, a curiosity to me. No more leisurely afternoons in front of the TV. We now embarked on the most exciting trips appropriate for our age he could think of.
Bowling alleys, movies, malls and toy stores. I never came home empty handed. Then back to his Holiday Inn motel room, his new living quarters, to sit and spend time with him until he dropped us off at home, never sure I would see him next weekend.
A new set of rules imposed on our house. My mother took a job and went to school. My sister became my mother, cooking, cleaning and disciplining me. My brother, the eldest, became the man of the house, who also disciplined me, but offered no affection. My father was spoken of very little, I only heard his name as he was being chastised for not visiting or blamed for a check that never arrived or came late.
Several times I would burst into tears, overwhelmed by his absence and feeling a great sense of loss. Each time I was scolded, told to be strong, to wise up and quit feeling sorry for myself. I was certainly not to shed tears in front of my father. How ironic that I was not to display my grief while I was also told by my mother what a lousy father I had.
At this point our relationship had changed considerably. The man who came to pick me up on weekends was no longer the strong, stable father I had known. I now sensed panic, helplessness and guilt emanating from my father. I feared him now, being the object of his panic, resented him for leaving, promising to return on various days and never showing. Pitying him for his guilt and helplessness, loving and idolizing him intensely, my daddy who would come home and defend himself to my mother and siblings and be strong again. All these perceptions from a 6-year old.
For the next four years my father and I were unable to spend any quality time together. The brief times I did see him were very damaging to me.
I remember writing a letter to my father in care of the Macomb County Jail. I would seal them up and include messages to the sheriff, because I was told they would open and censor my letters. In one letter I wrote to my father telling him how I missed him and forgave him for not paying our child support. Until I was 16 I believed the manufacturers stamps on my Dad's shirttails were shirts he had worn in jail.
He lost a few jobs during that time. He was constantly served and arrested at work because he was unable to meet the payments. His visits became much more sporadic, he was avoiding us so as not to let my mother know where he was, maybe he could hold down a job that way.
I had taken to reading the obituaries every night, looking for his name. I did not know if he was dead or alive. We spent a couple of Christmas's without him. One Christmas he did show up, at 5 in the morning. Oh, to hug my father again, the smell of his aftershave and cigarettes long lost to my senses, he looked so sad. And then he was gone, he had timed his visit carefully while my mother was still asleep to avoid her.
My sister caught me lying to a playmate and scolded me. The playmate had asked me where my father was, not knowing myself I said he was always on business trips.
My dad eventually moved to Indiana. Michigan held too many bad memories for him. He remarried and we began to spend summers with him. This helped but by now there was so much damage to our relationship that we shared only shreds of normalcy.
From 8 to 18 I was a very cynical, negative and aggressive individual. Having been a normal, vulnerable child, only to be laid open and cut a few times, true to my family's constant messages to me, I did wise up! I learned to mother the child within me who still missed and grieved for her father, calming my own fears. Wiping tears I did not dare shed in front of my family.
Yes, the feeling of alienation and abandonment brought on by the lengthy absence of my father and my family's lack of communication, to explain it ended my sweet, normal childhood. Darwin's survival of the fittest should only be learned in a science class, yet I practiced it at 8.
Between 16 and 17 I underwent a year of therapy prompted by my sudden bouts of depression, an unending feeling of loneliness. It was here I learned that my boyfriend provided me with needs normally supplied by one's father, as I supplied the needs he sought from his deceased mother. We were a pair of 17-year-old walking neurotics, both heavy substance abusers that also helped fill the great void within me.
My father and I have lost so much time. Ordinarily routine moments that will never occur again. Moments a father and a child both share a right to, things a father should be able to see and share with his offspring.
Today when I see my father we follow a pattern of behavior dictated by those lost moments. We feel awkward with one another, groveling for words and giving clumsy hugs. We then try to get close again, claim some of our time that we can both demand now.
I will travel by plane for an hour to see him. Each time I visit with Dad it occurs to me that we have much catching up to do. He will tell stories of my antics as a baby, his face aglow with fatherly pride as he laughs and grins. And then a far-a-way look, an emptiness will envelop him as he falls silent and gazes out the window. I will ask him what is wrong, he will smile, be strong and say nothing. But I know what he is thinking, the silence speaks a thousand words. I have heard these stories over and over.
Yet he refers to them because those are the few memories he has shared with me. Then he will ask me about my job, my husband, and offer me fatherly advice about my present life.
How did we get from my baby stories to my job and husband? This is more than the flow of conversation. It is a significant fact that we both find painful to acknowledge. As I get older and prepare myself to start a career and family, it is increasingly harder for me to see him. He remains geographically distant and our relationship will remain a shell.
I can always tell who is a child of divorce. They are sharp kids who exhibit aggressive, manipulative attitudes, a hardness. Yet if you press hard enough they are hiding a deep well of pain that eats at them, that makes them survivors, very much aware of the moves and rules of a chess game that was once their family unit.
I am a shrewd chess player, ready to knock any family opponents pieces off the board and move in for the kill, if I have to. At 21 I am still the grieving child of 6 who aches for her father. I am the mother who emotionally nurtured that child to a functioning adult. An adult that bears the scars and festering wounds of divorce and separation.
I am a survivor who feels that the only permanent thing in my life is myself. I grew up in a dark, frigid hell. You will never understand unless you've been there. It has aged me beyond my years and robbed me of time with my father necessary to a normal childhood.
Although I have healed myself there are some that never will.
I do not offer specific problems and solutions for you today. I am only articulating what children caught in today's divorce process are experiencing and cannot voice themselves.
To the fathers who are present here today, this is not chess, I am not your pawn. I am your child who loves you and needs you! Fight for me!
And to the legal system, I stand before you today, a product of what you believed is a system that benefits me. Children begin life unaware of sexism. Why teach it to them like this!
Ann Bradley had the following comments on this tragedy:
Judge Rosemary Pfeiffer is not to blame for the death of Sharen May. Of course, in hindsight, a restraining order should have been signed. But a judge can act only in the context of the world around her. Unfortunately, the context in which family law judges work today is one created by an increasing number of unethical attorneys assisting their clients in obtaining restraining orders, not for their intended purpose of protection, but for control of the family home, finances, custody, and to gain an upper hand in a divorce case.
Abuse of the system is a large and growing problem. I talk to many divorcing people who tell me they have been advised by their attorneys to seek a restraining order for control of the divorce. The devastation to the falsely accused is enormous. The fallout is that judges are wary of signing restraining orders when they are surrounded by a plethora of false ones.
Even a restraining order given for the proper reason cannot stop someone who really wants to kill. Judge Pfeiffer will forever regret her decision, but determining validity of one statement when surrounded by so many false ones is an impossible task. Ex parte restraining orders do not require evidence which is why they are so easily abused. Divorce attorneys must stop destruction of families with scorched earth tactics and their clients must also walk away from abusive strategies. The words used by Sharen May were unfortunately the truth she was in danger and her husband was abusive. But why wasn't she heard? Why did an experienced judge not see the truth? Because of too many lies clogging the system.
I was a victim of those lies and abuse. With papers in hand asking my spouse to settle and not go to trial, he picked up the phone as he had been instructed to do by his attorney, dialed 911 and said, "I need police protection, I am in fear of my life." The police saw the lie, or I would have been arrested.
Since this mission was not accomplished, he filed for a restraining order, which was served at my house on my son's birthday. Dazed by double false accusations, reeling under the pressure of protecting my son and myself from these destructive actions, my attorney and I prepared to face my false accuser in court. Our judge in Santa Clara County Court listened to my husband and told him, "Sir, you are abusing the system, it was meant for protection, not for harassment."
When I asked my husband why he did all this, he told me his attorney said it would "help speed up the case." Because of attorneys with unethical agendas and revenge-filled spouses, we overload the system so that when those who need it come for assistance, they are invisible.
The State Bar Ethics Committee needs to sanction attorneys who advise false domestic violence and restraining orders. The legal community must police itself, so that judges can do their job, and children are not collateral damage to ego and greed. Sharen May is a victim and the entire dysfunctional legal system of divorce must take responsibility for its part.
Ann Bradley, M.A. maintains a web site on narcissism narcissisticabuse.com to help identify narcissistic, fraudulent attorneys. She is a founder of DiVoRce Educators, which supports people in divorce through seminars, education, and coaching.
This is a copy of a commentary I sent to N.O.W. via their Web site. I am trying to think what newspapers to send to for publication. I give my express permission for anyone to reprint these comments. So spread the word.
Joani T. Kloth
I am a woman who believes in equal rights. Yet, years ago, I asked your agency for help and you turned your backs on me because I did not have the money to pay the dues to your organization. Even today you turn your backs. The truth is the truth and you cannot hide from it.
Your organization supports filing of false abuse allegations despite strong statistical evidence from many projects that domestic violence is just as probable against a man as it is against a woman. In fact, child abuse occurs 99% of the time in single mother homes, and the reality is that child abuse rarely occurs at the hands of biological fathers, but instead in the hands of the children's stepfather's and mother's boyfriends. In addition, your organization refuses to see the truth about Parental Alienation Syndrome, which is now affecting not only men but also women. The same women you claim to protect.
I am a strong believer in women's rights. But I do not believe in taking advantage or abusing the system. You have abused your powers for way too long. Enough is enough.
Get down off your high horses and start behaving like disgruntled workers. The damages you are causing by blindly backing and advising the filing of false abuse charges is destroying this nation of families. Children need both parents, not just one vindictive and hate-filled revenging mother. Hate crimes are punishable in this country, so beware. And that is exactly what your organization seems to solely represent.
I have had it with all you holier-than-thou Feminist organizations. My husband has not seen his children in nearly 6 years despite a divorce decree that clearly states generous and liberal visitation. His ex has been caught filing false domestic violence charges. She has been labeled as deliberately interfering in the relationship with his children. She has been caught committing perjury, forgery, and fraud. She is in contempt of court orders with no reasonable excuses. And to this day the courts continue to give her second chances. She has never been penalized once for her crimes. Yet, if my husband had done this, he would have been put in jail. Worse, he is held to a higher set of standards to pay child support for two children he has barely seen and having his parental rights to be a father to them denied. Had the courts just once threatened his ex with loss of child support for her transgressions, she would never ever had behaved this way. And that is my point, you support greedy, hate-filled mongrels who hate their ex-spouses more than they love their children.
And by the way, I am a single mother who received child support. I used to call the courts to tell them to just leave her father alone. If he had not paid it was because he had lost his job or was laid off. Yet they continued to harass him despite written requests by me. I kept up my campaign to protect him, that is until he died this past January  of a suicidal overdose that the coroners are ruling an accident. It was no accident. He was depressed and stressed. It was just a matter of time before he ended his life. And child support enforcement knew this because on several occasions they had to postpone court as he was in a mental institution again. Yet they continued to hound him to death.
My husband and my story are not unusual. In fact, they are becoming the norm. And what a sad norm this is. Children need both their parents in a healthy and responsible relationship. Until your organization realizes this, and steps down off your high horse, your credibility is going to get destroyed.
The truth is out there, all around you. And story after story, even from women, have come to your attention and you have ignored them. Get off that high horse and see the reality that is happening to millions of children and their families because of your blind hatred of men.
Joani T. Kloth
Comments on this article should be sent to Putzangel@aol.com
March 6, 2000
Reproduced under the Fair Use exception of 17 USC § 107 for noncommercial, nonprofit, and educational use.
As I write this, I am aware that I am probably going to offend some readers, but, then again, I have found that we in society are afraid and unaccepting of the truth, therefore taking offense. I can not apologize for what I am about to say, however I can only hope to attempt to undo the wrong that I have done.
To start with, here is a little bit about myself. Before I was married, I was an extreme feminist, with the hopes and dreams of equality, having the same thoughts and beliefs as others in the fight for true equality. It wasn't like the feminists of today, who only want to gain complete control, power, and to have revenge, destroying everything that the true feminists have fought so hard for (true gender equality). It is my hope that by posting my story and comments, that it will encourage other women, (we/you know who you are), to come forward and to tell the truth about themselves and their experience. Here is my story, as shameful as it may be.
I am a single mother of two. When I decided to leave my marriage, (I was bored), I went to three different lawyers for advice. I was asked by all 3 of them if I was ever abused by my husband. My answer was, never in any way shape or form was my husband abusive towards me. To my utter disbelief, all of them told me the same thing. Unless I accused my husband of abuse, I would not gain sole custody of my children. They also told me that by making these allegations against him, that I would get EVERYTHING and more. When I asked them how we would prove the allegations, I was told that the courts don't require proof, and to go to a women's shelter, and that they would help me, and that it would support my allegations of abuse.
Having been brought up in a very religious family, I was very uncomfortable with this advice. I was then told by the lawyers, that if I wanted the full support of legal aid, I had no choice but to make the allegations against my husband. Having no money to pay for legal expenses, I did as I was advised. Reluctantly I took my children to a women's shelter. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. On the outside, it appears as they want the public and their funders to see it. This is however, far from the truth.
This place was a form of a cult, (for lack of a better term). Male bashing was a top priority, and the administration was very adamant about recruiting yet another woman (me), to join this man-haters club. They even have a game plan on how to win in court. By following their simple plan step by step, I would not only get sole custody of my children, but also the car, house and land, plus finances for the rest of my life.
However, if I did not follow their game plan, but if I played fairly, I would lose everything, and I would be endangering the lives of other women, and would jeopardize any funding for them. The administration must have noticed that their brain washing techniques were not working as fast as they wanted, so I was 'thrown' at the other women staying there.
Terms such as 'sperm donors', and that all men were abusive and must die, were used on a daily basis. They were very convincing, and not wanting to jeopardize my fellow house mates, I went along with their game plan.
As soon as I said that I would follow their game plan, things moved very quickly. I saw the man that I was once married to destroyed emotionally, financially and physically. I was granted sole custody of our children, and because of a restraining order, I gained the house and car, so that our children wouldn't lose everything that they were used to.
Not only was there a restraining order against him, he was also charged with assault. The man who had equally created our children, helped raise them, and who loves them dearly, was ordered to stay away from them, and to pay me, (more than I ever needed), support for them. Like I said, I destroyed him, leaving him with very little to survive.
My brother is now going through a custody battle, where my former sister-in-law is playing exactly the same game that was taught to me by a women's shelter, and my brother is in the same shoes that I once put my ex in.
Knowing how I destroyed my ex, and seeing the wrong that I had committed, I have made it my personal endeavor to help my brother with his fight. He recently joined a men's group, and he receives messages on the net from shared parenting, epoc_news etc.
As he was thrown out of his home, he now lives with me, which gives me the opportunity to read the messages from these groups. I must admit, sometimes there is a message or two that is of great help, but for the most part, these groups have to stop playing 'Mr. Nice Guy'.
Some text deleted for brevity and consistency.
With you in your fight,
Date: 01 Feb. 2000
I am wanting to get a divorce. I have 3 children, 7, 4, and 2. I want to keep living in the house while the kids and I are in school.
Does anyone know if this could happen? Also, he will not leave the house. How can I make him leave? I will not leave. I have no where to go with 3 children. Please help me!
Date: 01 Feb. 2000
I live in Texas and recently filed for divorce. My attorney simply drew up papers that were delivered by a constable that put a temporary restraining order on my husband for a period of time and forbid him from returning to the house until notified by the court. In a situation with three children, I would bet you can easily remain in the house until the divorce is final. You and your husband will have to come to some legal arrangement about the house following the divorce. I don't know if you have employed an attorney or not, but the papers removing my husband for the house seemed very standardized. Perhaps you could call your local courthouse and inquire about filing such papers yourself? Best of luck to you.
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Last modified 5/16/18